Friendships
Choosing the people with whom we spend the most time is an important decision. As parents, my wife and I have worked hard at monitoring those whom our children are befriending. We want to know whom they are choosing as friends because we understand how readily people are influenced by their peers. Proverbs 13:20 offers a perfect summary statement of this truth: “Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.”
We all understand the importance of kids making wise choices when it comes to friendships. But what about adults? Are we mindful of the relationships we build? Are we purposefully building relationships that honor the Lord? Are we walking with the wise or with fools? The companions we choose will greatly influence who we will eventually become; our friends can either make us more like Jesus or they can pull us away from Him.
While the world is filled with people, finding true friends is extremely difficult. Without purposefully looking for godly friendships in the right places—like at church—it is unlikely we will find them. As Christians, we are called to love all people. This does not mean, however, that all people are given the same level of access to our hearts and lives. For example, the United States Government does not give the same level of access to classified information to an average citizen as it does to a member of the president’s cabinet. The main point of Proverbs 13:20 is that we are to choose our closest companions carefully and only give full access to those who will love us enough to direct our hearts toward God.
Because not all relationships are equal, I believe it’s helpful to understand the various levels of friendships and how we relate to individuals in each of the categories. Let’s consider the five levels of relationships and how we as Christians should treat people in each one.
The first group is strangers; they comprise the largest group of people with whom we interact. Strangers only have superficial knowledge of us. They know our hair color, our facial structure, our height, and our clothing choices. Strangers make assumptions about us based on what they see while we do the same to them. Conversation with strangers is generally limited to superficial matters like the weather or other generalities. While it is profoundly unwise to share our soul with strangers, it is Christ-like to treat all people with compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience. We may not—and should not—share our deepest feelings with strangers, but we can show them the love of Jesus by treating them as He would.
Second, there are those who are acquaintances; we know people in this group through occasional contact. There has been enough interaction with them up to know basic facts that fosters general conversation. For example, I know the manager at our bank. I know her name. I know she has kids about the same age as ours. I even know what kind of car she drives. Through the years, I have accumulated enough generic knowledge to ask questions about her job and family. Conversation with this group is generally limited to professional conversations and the exchange of general information about our personal lives. We may not know many specific details about acquaintances, but we can use what we do know to open the door to gospel conversations.
Third, we also have many people in the category of casual friends; people in this group are known to us through consistent contact, often taking place in school, a work environment, or through a common interest. While there is regular interaction—sometimes for prolonged periods of time—there is not a deep emotional attachment to casual friends. In school, casual friends are typically made with classmates. Friends at work are often made through working on a team or project together. Casual friends can also be made through our hobbies. For me, I have countless casual friends I have met at the gym. A few times a year, a few of us will meet for coffee and have a good time together. We know each other beyond acquaintances, but our interaction is generally at the gym or in a coffee shop. Although conversation with this group is likely more detailed and slightly more personal, it does not progress much beyond information we would post on social media.
Fourth, we have a handful of people who progress beyond casual friends and become close friends; people in this group are known to us through consistent interaction that takes place outside of work, school, or a shared activity. Close friendships are reserved for those individuals who share our Christian values, beliefs, goals, and worldview—they have a common philosophy of life. Close friends spend significant time together in a variety of settings, including our homes. Once trust is earned over a period of time, these friends are privy to information that is more personal and share an emotional connection with us. Conversation with this group includes private details about life that are not for open discussion among casual friends. Close friends know about our families, our backgrounds, and our goals.
The final group is reserved for those rare individuals who become intimate friends; we also know people in this group through consistent interaction in a variety of settings. The level of emotional connection, however, is substantially deeper than what we enjoy with close friends. Within intimate relationships, there is an earnest commitment to one another. Intimate relationships hold us accountable and help develop our character through honest discussions about fears, goals, failures, dreams, and sins. There is a soul connection in intimate relationships that exposes our inner self to another person. For those who are married, this should obviously include our spouses. But this does not negate the need for other people in our lives who love us enough to confront us and speak the truth to us when necessary. Intimate friends stick closer than family. Very often, they even know you better than your own family members do. Conversation with this group includes intimate details about life that bare our souls to another trusted individual.
It’s safe to say the vast majority of people that we meet will fall in the first three categories. While these individuals are friends, they do not reach the level of greatly impacting our lives for good or bad. Only a relative few become close friends. An even smaller number become intimate friends. Typically, only two or three people—in addition to our spouses—progress to this kind of friendship.
Proverbs 13:20 is addressing those relationships that hold sway over our lives—these are friendships that draw us toward wisdom or toward harm. Influential relationships fall in the categories of close and intimate friends. The underlying teaching of Proverbs 13:20 is simple: choose your close and intimate friendships wisely because they will lead either to godliness or to destruction.
Given the list above, I would suggest most Christians fall into one of two ditches. First, some Christians indiscriminately give people unlimited access to their hearts too quickly. Intimate relationships take time to build—often months or even years. Wisdom requires us to give others access to our lives slowly, only after we have carefully vetted them over a substantial period of time. Second, many Christians have no intimate friendships or even close friendships. Sadly, this includes married people with their spouse. Intimacy with our spouses is a key component to a successful marriage. But as Christians, we need close and intimate fellowship with other believers too. Men need other godly men to speak truth to them and walk through life with them to make sure they stay on the path of wisdom. Likewise, women need other mature Christian women to minister to them through close and intimate friendships. As Proverbs 27:17 says, “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.” God refines us through Scripture and through the Holy Spirit. However, God also uses the body of Christ to mold us into his image. Within a local church family, we must have intimate friends who rebuke us when necessary, encourage us when we are discouraged, strengthen us when we are weary, and consistently provoke us to faith and good works (Hebrews 10:24).
Godly relationships are essential for our spiritual well-being. As Solomon reminds us, “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone?” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-11). You need godly friendships. And so does every other Christian you know. Find someone who needs a friend, and get busy building godly relationships that please our heavenly Father.