Guard your heart
In our divided nation, there is very little Americans agree on. Consensus is difficult to find on practically every issue and challenge facing our country. Arguably, one exception is concerning the matter of adultery. Approximately 90% of Americans consider infidelity immoral. While Americans do not agree on much these days, we do agree that adultery is morally wrong. From a biblical perspective, adultery is such an egregious sin God prohibits it twice in the Ten Commandments. In Exodus 20:14 we read, “You shall not commit adultery.” A few verses later, in Exodus 20:17, we find, “You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife.” In the gospels, Jesus added, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:27-28).
Despite what the world screams at the top of its lungs, God did not provide His commandments merely to control our lives or to keep us from enjoying life. Every one of God’s commandments actually originates from His unfathomable love for humanity. God is not trying to keep people from enjoying life. He is, however, trying to compassionately prevent humanity from destroying the life He has given. Because God is sovereign and wise, He knows that certain behaviors will cause us unspeakable harm. As Christians, we call these unrighteous and destructive behaviors sin. In Romans 3:23-24, the Apostle Paul tells us, “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus.” God carefully crafted boundaries for the purpose of creating a context in which His people can joyfully flourish.
Even a cursory reading of Scripture reveals that adultery appears to fall into a special category of sin. It is included, after all, in the Ten Commandments and is mentioned numerous times throughout the pages of the Bible. But adultery does not appear so regularly in Scripture because any one sin is worse than another in God’s eyes. Adultery is repeatedly warned against because it is a common temptation, and because adultery creates an unusual kind of destruction in families and the human heart. Adultery also violates the New Testament picture of Christ and His Church. Marriage is the imagery God gives Christians to describe Christ’s intimate relationship with His people. Human marriages serve as an illustration of this picture.
When the marriage covenant is broken in a Christian home, it undermines the picture God has provided as a testimony to the unbelieving culture. This is one of the many reasons that the powerful warning found in Proverbs 6:32-33 should never be overlooked. The verse reads, “He who commits adultery lacks sense; he who does it destroys himself. He will get wounds and dishonor, and his disgrace will not be wiped away.” These are words all people, especially those who profess faith in Christ, should carefully weigh before deciding to commit adultery.
By God’s design, marriage is supposed to be an unbreakable covenant of companionship made between one man and one woman for one lifetime. God designed marriage as a place of unconditional love, acceptance, companionship, and refuge. But when adultery enters the picture, the covenantal union crumbles at its very foundation. When a spouse breaks his or her vows, what is supposed to be God’s gift to mankind is reduced to a nightmare. As illustrated in David’s infamous sin against Bathsheba, the consequences of adultery run far and wide.
As Christians, we understand that marriage is a pre-political institution. Simply stated, the concept of marriage between a man and a woman was established by God as a foundational institution in creation and society. Marriage was God’s idea. It was not created by a political system; it originated with our Creator. Sex is also a gift from God, given to mankind to be enjoyed within the covenant of marriage. When a sexual relationship occurs outside of the marriage covenant, God’s intention for sexual intimacy is violated. Despite God warnings against adultery and other sexual sins, infidelity and sexual immorality continues to rage in our society. And the consequences of our stubborn refusal to live within the boundaries God places on sex and marriage are mounting every day.
In an article entitled “The New Face of Infidelity: What Lures Christians to Cheat?” by Corrie Cutrer, Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr. is quoted as saying, “At least 60 percent of married couples will experience infidelity at some point in their marriage.”[1] In other places, the rate of infidelity is said to fall somewhere between 30 and 40 percent. It is curious to note the broad discrepancies which appear between various research studies. Such variances occur because infidelity is predictably difficult to study. For starters, few people willingly admit to being unfaithful, particularly if they are asked about adultery while in the presence of their spouse. Admissions of infidelity also depend greatly on how researchers ask the question. Making matters even more complicated is the fact that the term “infidelity” is not without controversy.
While most people define infidelity as sex with anyone other than your mate, this definition is not unanimously held. When defining adultery, some individuals, particularly non-Christians, have raised questions such as: what about those who are separated but not yet divorced? Are they committing adultery even though a divorce is imminent? Is infidelity defined as any sex outside of marriage, including premarital sex? Must infidelity require intercourse? Are other sex acts considered to be adulterous? Does emotional involvement constitute infidelity? What about sexting? Is that an act of adultery even though there is no face to face contact? What about the usage of pornography? What if a married person flirts with someone who is not his or her spouse? Is kissing tantamount to adultery?
The purpose of this article is not to offer a response to each of these questions. These examples are given to demonstrate that it is difficult to get a precise percentage of how many married couples experience infidelity because people define the word differently. As Christians, however, we understand that by Jesus’s definition, even a lustful look is defined as adultery. We must conclude, therefore, that having an adulterous heart is the root of any sex act outside of marriage. Regardless of one’s precise definition of adultery, we must admit that sexual immorality is raging in our culture.
Alarmingly, one survey found that 74 percent of men and 68 percent of women admitted they would cheat one their spouse if they were guaranteed to never be caught. Realistically, however, most cases of adultery do eventually get discovered. One research study reported that 63 percent of adulterers are eventually caught.[2] But for Christians, the concern is not whether or not a person gets caught. The primary issue with adultery is that it violates God’s holy commandments. Whether the adulterous relationship comes to light or not, sexual immorality in all of its various forms is sin against God. Because Christians should be concerned with obeying God’s commandments at all times, we should conform to God’s standards regardless of the probability of being found out.
No Christian should ever foolishly believe that he or she is immune to sexual temptation. Once again, David – the one who had a heart after God’s – serves as a sobering illustration of an otherwise godly man choosing to sin sexually. In fact, the vast majority of married people never imagine infidelity will enter their marriage. No reasonable person anticipates an affair on their wedding day. But unfortunately, adultery occurs in even the happiest marriages. One of the most startling statistics is that approximately 69 percent of husbands who cheated never considered adultery a possibility. This sobering statistic brings to mind Paul’s warning in 1 Corinthians 10:12, “Therefore let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall.” If David can fall into sexual sin, so can any one of us. Sadly, adultery occurs in Christian marriages at about the same rate as non-Christian marriages. Do not be a fool and believe that you are immune to sexual temptation and sin.
As we learn from David’s life, there is a dangerous combination of covetousness (fueled by discontentment) and lust (fueled by selfishness). David did not accidently fall into adultery against his will; he chose to lust after Bathsheba’s extraordinary beauty. When he abused his power and position to get what he wanted, there was no one to blame but himself. Given the details of 2 Samuel 11-12, it seems that rape is an appropriate word that would describes David’s actions.
Despite our best efforts to make excuses for sexual sin, “falling” into an adulterous relationship rarely happens. According to surveys, approximately 6 percent of infidelity can be classified as “falling into bed” with someone other than one’s spouse. In other words, infidelity does not typically appear out of nowhere. Generally speaking, adultery begins long before any physical contact takes place. Typically, adultery does not begin in the darkness of a hotel room, or in a secluded office late one evening, or in the privacy of someone else’s bedroom. Nor does an illicit relationship generally begin with a single seductive look, kind word, or gentle touch. Adulterous relationships grow out of a relationship that was once seemingly harmless, but somewhere along the line boundaries were crossed and God’s commandments were foolishly ignored.
Studies suggest that 60 percent of affairs start between close friends or coworkers, and typically lasts between six months and two years. In fact, one study found that 43.7 percent of cheating women and 22.2 percent of cheating men have cheated on their spouse with someone they both knew.[3] While sinning in our hearts violates God’s word (e.g., David lusting after Bathsheba from his rooftop), the consequences are compounded when an individual follows through with his or her covetous and lustful desires and commits an act of sin.
Because it is easy to be attracted to someone you do not live with day in and day out, we must always be on guard against sexual temptation. It is easy to be intoxicated with someone with whom there are no shared responsibilities like monthly bills, medical problems, and raising children. It is easy to be infatuated with people we never see at their worst. God warns against falling prey to a counterfeit relationship built on superficiality. God wants His people to reserve intimacy, in all of its forms, for the spouse He has provided. God reminds us in Proverbs 5:18-20 “Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love. Why should you be intoxicated, my son, with a forbidden woman and embrace the bosom of an adulteress?”
As Christians, we must refuse to believe the lies and manipulative tactics of our culture. Sexual purity prior to marriage necessitates that dating couples place a premium on communication and commitment as the basis of their attraction to each other. This allows the couple to build trust, support, and security with one another that is not based on infatuation. Sexual purity after marriage necessitates that a married couple continue to place a premium on communication and commitment to their marital covenant.
In closing, I want to encourage you to assess your marriage and commitment to sexual purity. Please honestly consider the following warning signs, and acknowledge any potential pitfalls in your marriage. If you are currently married, you must watch carefully for these warning signs. If you are single, use the following list as a way to guard your heart for a potential mate in the future. These warning signs are broken down into two sections: attraction outside of your marriage and problems inside your marriage. Ask yourself each of the following questions, and answer them truthfully. I would also encourage you to discuss this list with your spouse.
Attraction Outside of Your Marriage.
1. Is there a particular person you always look forward to seeing? This is someone who you are more interested in seeing than your spouse. You have a lot of commonalities with this person, and you enjoy speaking with this individual more than you do with your spouse about these shared values, hobbies, and other interests.
2. Is there a particular person you willingly go out of your way to interact with? This is an individual you eagerly rearrange your schedule or go out of your way to see, all the while griping about being inconvenienced by your spouse. This is an individual you regularly contact via email, social media, or text even when it is unnecessary to do so.
3. Is there a particular person who you constantly think about, perhaps even fantasize about starting a new life with? Your current life seems drab and discouraging when compared to the fantasy life you imagine with this person.
4. Is there a particular person who makes you feel wanted, loved, accepted, respected, and appreciated? Perhaps you feel unwanted, unloved, rejected, disrespected, and unappreciated by your spouse, making this particular person far more attractive to you than your spouse.
5. Is there a person with whom you have crossed social boundaries with and are showing inappropriate affection to in the form of notes, emails, texts, physical touch, or flirtatious conversation? This is a person with whom you have built a relationship with, and over time the relationship has become more intimate. You are even jealous when this person speaks to other people more than you.
Problems Inside Your Marriage
1. Are you becoming increasingly critical of your spouse, especially when compared to your person of interest?
2. Are you increasingly angry, frustrated, and/or bored with your spouse, but find joy and excitement in your person of interest?
3. Are you actively looking for reasons to be away from your spouse, and increasingly excluding your spouse from your weekly activities?
4. Are you increasingly disinterested in physical or emotional intimacy with your spouse, but enjoy some level of intimacy with your person of interest?
5. Are you lying about where you are going, deleting texts from your person of interest, purchasing gifts for this person, or spending significant time with someone whom you are keeping from your wife?
A marriage is built over many weeks, months, and years. But a single act of infidelity can crumble the foundation of a marriage in seconds. Diligently guard your heart against sexual temptation. Flee from sexual immorality. Invest in your marriage. And be intoxicated with the wife or husband God has given you. While it is easy to be enamored with someone other than your spouse, you must faithfully obey God’s commandments and invest in your marriage.
[1] Corrie Cutrer, “The New Face of Infidelity: What Lures Christians to Cheat?” Available, https://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2016/may-web-only/new-face-of-adultery.html; accessed, 27 May 2022.
[2] Paul Brian, “Infidelity Statistics (2022): How Much Cheating is Going On?” Available, https://hackspirit.com/infidelity-statistics/; accessed, 27 May 2022.
[3] Ibid.