Lasting Love
Romantic and marital love have been part of the human experience since shortly after creation. Love is a topic that regularly captivates people’s minds, and the pursuit of it consumes a lot of energy and time. Hollywood knows this to be true; therefore, the film industry regularly produces romantic comedies because production companies know love sells movie tickets. While some cultural elites argue that the God-created institution of marriage is outdated, most single Americans hope to be married one day. One of the challenges of our day is the blurring of the line between the infatuated feelings of love on which the dating scene thrives and the biblical concept of self-sacrificial love on which marriages flourish. Distinguishing the differences between these two forms of affection are of great importance if you want to build a lasting marriage.
If you ever want to observe the blissful euphoria of romantic infatuation, talk to an individual who has recently fallen head over heels in love with dreamy Mr. or Miss Perfect. When a relationship is new and untested, it is filled with high flying emotions and massively unrealistic expectations that produce a euphoric, semi-delusional state that is unsustainable in the real world. It may work in fantasyville, but in a world where problems and transgressions abound, not so much. Listen to most popular love songs and you will hear lovesick, heart-struck, enchanted artists passionately declaring their undying love and affection for their newfound love—the one that has eluded them for far too long. These tunes sell, but what they sell is an illusion.
Should you want to gain an accurate picture of what the real struggle and benefits of self-sacrificing marital love is like, talk to someone who has earnestly loved and cared for the same person for decades. Talk to individuals who have remained faithful to their marriage vows in times of blessing and trial over the course of many years, even when the emotions of marital love wax and wane, and you will find a more accurate description of what biblical love truly is. Unhinged emotions may succeed in popular music and movies, but they are a terrible way to build a lifelong marriage.
This kind of unwavering marital commitment is what God intended when he inspired Moses to write the familiar words of Genesis 2:24, which reads: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” The one flesh imagery points to the permanence of marriage, and flies in the face of today’s infatuation driven culture. If a relationship is going to last, it must be founded on something more substantive than mere infatuation or sexual attraction. There are admittedly many factors that help produce a lasting marriage, but in my estimation a vibrant friendship between a husband and wife is the most important. Without a one flesh committed friendship, a marriage will never reach its full potential.
Friendship is a word that is used so casually these days that I’m afraid many people have lost the true meaning of the word. When I think of the word friendship, my wife, Michelle, always comes to mind. After more than thirty years of marriage, she is still my best friend. While there have been rough periods that included the loss of a child, cancer, and foolish decisions, Michelle and I have remained the closest of friends. Whether in tears or laughter, we have weathered life together while trusting in God’s provisions and wisdom. Obviously during our three decades of marriage there have been times of conflict, but they have been biblically addressed and have strengthened our relationship. Yes, Michelle and I are husband and wife, but first and foremost we are close friends who care deeply for one another. Despite the ups and downs of life, our marriage has been a true blessing. All because I have enjoyed all of these years with my very best friend. As Adam declared in Genesis 2:23 when he saw Eve for the first time, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh.” At last, there was a helpmeet suitable for Adam—a partner that was perfectly suited for him. One that would afford him a level of intimate companionship that no animal of the field would ever be capable of providing. What Adam needed was a friend to experience life with, and to love for all of his days. When a husband and wife fail to develop a bone on bone, one flesh relationship, their marriage is in for some turbulent waters that could sink their marriage.
Being married for a long time as a way of accentuating the inevitable changes that take place in people over time. For instance, Michelle and I are definitely not the same people we were when we married in the mid-1990s; both of us have certainly grown and changed through the years. In some ways we have become more alike. But in others, we are more different. While our differences can sometimes produce friction, they generally make our marriage stronger and more interesting. Honestly, married life would be boring and static without changes and differences. Having differences of opinion broadens our perspective, and challenges us to see things from another viewpoint. Friends don’t force agreement on everything. Instead, they work together to bolster the relationship by leveraging their differences. Divergences in perspective and opinion that are not unbiblical should be embraced, not shunned. Marriage takes work–no one is denying that–but our efforts should not be invested in making our spouse think exactly like us on non-moral and non-biblical issues. For example, Michelle and I prefer different types of movies and music. She encourages me to watch movies I would never choose and to listen to songs that I would never listen to apart from her recommendation. Over time, I have learned to like certain things merely because Michelle likes them. No marriage is conflict- and friction-free, but when a sense of deliberate teamwork and unwavering commitment defines the marriage it is built a much firmer foundation than mere emotion, sentimentality, and infatuation.
Selflessly working together as a team is an essential part of any vibrant friendship, and it’s certainly necessary if a marriage is going to flourish over a long period of time. Teammates encourage one another, and provide unwavering support during difficult times. When one person is weak, the other is typically strong. As Solomon writes in Ecclesiastes 4:9-10, “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!” Marriage is a lifelong commitment made by one man and one woman to faithfully love and support one another through the thick and thin. Tough days happen. Trials come. Hardships kick down the front door. Cars break down. Hot water heaters fail. Appendices burst (Michelle’s sure did). But through it all, the one-flesh commitment perseveres through the power of almighty God.
Maintaining a healthy marriage will not happen by accident. Without intentional investment, conflict will rage, bitterness will set in, and rocky roads will be travelled. In order to prevent these potentially devastating cancers from developing in your marriage, follow these eight principles:
1. Friendship started your relationship, and friendship–not momentary infatuation–is what will empower your marriage to thrive over the long haul.
2. Biblically love and honor one another so you can keep childish and petty conflict at bay.
3. Communicate openly and regularly to maintain an intimate connection.
4. Work to understand each other’s perspectives and opinions so you can maintain unity, even when you disagree.
5. Savor every precious memory you create so you don’t lose perspective and allow a root of bitterness to slither its way into your heart.
6. Allow your spouse to change, grow, mature, and become increasingly in line with who God created them to be; this keeps your marriage fun, interesting, and exciting.
7. Remember that you and your spouse are on the same team; invest your individual God-given gifts to beautifully complement one another rather than competing.
8. Relentlessly guard your marriage because its long-term survival depends on it.
Marriages must never be reduced to managing logistics together for the purpose of simply drudging through the tedious monotony of daily living. It should be driven by self-sacrificial love and ruthlessly protected by an unwavering sense of commitment to one another. Your marriage is meant to be the primary relationship in your life, and must receive the attention and care that it deserves.
If you ever want to observe the blissful euphoria of romantic infatuation, talk to an individual who has recently fallen head over heels in love with dreamy Mr. or Miss Perfect. When a relationship is new and untested, it is filled with high flying emotions and massively unrealistic expectations that produce a euphoric, semi-delusional state that is unsustainable in the real world. It may work in fantasyville, but in a world where problems and transgressions abound, not so much. Listen to most popular love songs and you will hear lovesick, heart-struck, enchanted artists passionately declaring their undying love and affection for their newfound love—the one that has eluded them for far too long. These tunes sell, but what they sell is an illusion.
Should you want to gain an accurate picture of what the real struggle and benefits of self-sacrificing marital love is like, talk to someone who has earnestly loved and cared for the same person for decades. Talk to individuals who have remained faithful to their marriage vows in times of blessing and trial over the course of many years, even when the emotions of marital love wax and wane, and you will find a more accurate description of what biblical love truly is. Unhinged emotions may succeed in popular music and movies, but they are a terrible way to build a lifelong marriage.
This kind of unwavering marital commitment is what God intended when he inspired Moses to write the familiar words of Genesis 2:24, which reads: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” The one flesh imagery points to the permanence of marriage, and flies in the face of today’s infatuation driven culture. If a relationship is going to last, it must be founded on something more substantive than mere infatuation or sexual attraction. There are admittedly many factors that help produce a lasting marriage, but in my estimation a vibrant friendship between a husband and wife is the most important. Without a one flesh committed friendship, a marriage will never reach its full potential.
Friendship is a word that is used so casually these days that I’m afraid many people have lost the true meaning of the word. When I think of the word friendship, my wife, Michelle, always comes to mind. After more than thirty years of marriage, she is still my best friend. While there have been rough periods that included the loss of a child, cancer, and foolish decisions, Michelle and I have remained the closest of friends. Whether in tears or laughter, we have weathered life together while trusting in God’s provisions and wisdom. Obviously during our three decades of marriage there have been times of conflict, but they have been biblically addressed and have strengthened our relationship. Yes, Michelle and I are husband and wife, but first and foremost we are close friends who care deeply for one another. Despite the ups and downs of life, our marriage has been a true blessing. All because I have enjoyed all of these years with my very best friend. As Adam declared in Genesis 2:23 when he saw Eve for the first time, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh.” At last, there was a helpmeet suitable for Adam—a partner that was perfectly suited for him. One that would afford him a level of intimate companionship that no animal of the field would ever be capable of providing. What Adam needed was a friend to experience life with, and to love for all of his days. When a husband and wife fail to develop a bone on bone, one flesh relationship, their marriage is in for some turbulent waters that could sink their marriage.
Being married for a long time as a way of accentuating the inevitable changes that take place in people over time. For instance, Michelle and I are definitely not the same people we were when we married in the mid-1990s; both of us have certainly grown and changed through the years. In some ways we have become more alike. But in others, we are more different. While our differences can sometimes produce friction, they generally make our marriage stronger and more interesting. Honestly, married life would be boring and static without changes and differences. Having differences of opinion broadens our perspective, and challenges us to see things from another viewpoint. Friends don’t force agreement on everything. Instead, they work together to bolster the relationship by leveraging their differences. Divergences in perspective and opinion that are not unbiblical should be embraced, not shunned. Marriage takes work–no one is denying that–but our efforts should not be invested in making our spouse think exactly like us on non-moral and non-biblical issues. For example, Michelle and I prefer different types of movies and music. She encourages me to watch movies I would never choose and to listen to songs that I would never listen to apart from her recommendation. Over time, I have learned to like certain things merely because Michelle likes them. No marriage is conflict- and friction-free, but when a sense of deliberate teamwork and unwavering commitment defines the marriage it is built a much firmer foundation than mere emotion, sentimentality, and infatuation.
Selflessly working together as a team is an essential part of any vibrant friendship, and it’s certainly necessary if a marriage is going to flourish over a long period of time. Teammates encourage one another, and provide unwavering support during difficult times. When one person is weak, the other is typically strong. As Solomon writes in Ecclesiastes 4:9-10, “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!” Marriage is a lifelong commitment made by one man and one woman to faithfully love and support one another through the thick and thin. Tough days happen. Trials come. Hardships kick down the front door. Cars break down. Hot water heaters fail. Appendices burst (Michelle’s sure did). But through it all, the one-flesh commitment perseveres through the power of almighty God.
Maintaining a healthy marriage will not happen by accident. Without intentional investment, conflict will rage, bitterness will set in, and rocky roads will be travelled. In order to prevent these potentially devastating cancers from developing in your marriage, follow these eight principles:
1. Friendship started your relationship, and friendship–not momentary infatuation–is what will empower your marriage to thrive over the long haul.
2. Biblically love and honor one another so you can keep childish and petty conflict at bay.
3. Communicate openly and regularly to maintain an intimate connection.
4. Work to understand each other’s perspectives and opinions so you can maintain unity, even when you disagree.
5. Savor every precious memory you create so you don’t lose perspective and allow a root of bitterness to slither its way into your heart.
6. Allow your spouse to change, grow, mature, and become increasingly in line with who God created them to be; this keeps your marriage fun, interesting, and exciting.
7. Remember that you and your spouse are on the same team; invest your individual God-given gifts to beautifully complement one another rather than competing.
8. Relentlessly guard your marriage because its long-term survival depends on it.
Marriages must never be reduced to managing logistics together for the purpose of simply drudging through the tedious monotony of daily living. It should be driven by self-sacrificial love and ruthlessly protected by an unwavering sense of commitment to one another. Your marriage is meant to be the primary relationship in your life, and must receive the attention and care that it deserves.
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